


never again

by angioponder



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Dubious Consent, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Light BDSM, idk how do i tag, there's a bit of blood here caused by knife play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 06:29:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9588794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angioponder/pseuds/angioponder
Summary: It is normal for human beings to have small slip ups and honest mistakes. Leo is no exception to that. She can’t expect him to know when to stop; to know when she was uncomfortable. He isn’t perfect.





	

**Author's Note:**

> so this started off from a dream, and birthed from a conversation with two tumblr friends about very important topics within.. any sexual activity really. boundaries and safety. 
> 
> by no means am i calling this healthy love, as people slap on the word “love” to explain a lot of feelings. Some feel what they believe is love and don’t know how to express that in a way that is healthy, and some just take advantage of the word itself to manipulate others. anyway, it’s my first fanfic that is written and posted. welp, here it goes~

“Fuck.” With a final thrust, Leo’s muscles tensed once more, and soon after, he deflated on top of her. A small grin formed on his lips as he pulled out and rolled off to the side.

While he was breathing heavily next to her, body alive as ever, she lay seemingly still, eyes deep, clouded, and far, far away.

After he had caught his breath, he faced her and carded his hands upwards to the back of her neck, pulling her close for a kiss.

The fog slowly began to clear.

Lips were pliant against his, heavy. Unsatisfied with the lack of response, he stopped to glance at her and softly whispered _come back,_ before leaning in to kiss her again, firmly.

She felt it rattle her from a distance, and her mouth slightly went agape from mere muscle memory. When his lips left her this time, her breath caught her, and she resurfaced.

Leo was quick to wrap her crown in his arms and cradle her closely to his chest, “Shh, shh.. baby you’re okay.”

Her eyes were blown wide, and searching, throat desperately gasping in lungfuls of air, but only managing coughed out sobs.

“You’re okay, I got you.” She was shaking more visibly from before, vomiting out words that wouldn’t translate, so he kept petting her hair in attempt to soothe her. “Shh, it’s alright. Stop your crying now,” he said gently as he held her close.

“Breathe, just like me.  
Come on, you can do it.“

He pressed her palm against his sternum and took deep, slow breaths. She tried to mimic how his chest rose, held itself, and fell, despite the involuntary muscle spasms of her throat every time she inhaled.

Leo always caught her without fail, eventually. He was very attentive and did whatever she needed to recover after every scene. Words to reassure her flowed out of his mouth to ground and reinforce their bond to each other.

Her breathing eventually evened out after more of his encouraging hushes and comforting touches.

“There, that wasn’t so bad now was it?” he smiled, brushing her hair aside. She was, understatedly, a mess, and he was so, _so_ pleased with her.

Leo softly kissed her temple repeatedly before mumbling, “I’ll come back with the disinfectant.” And so the bed lifted as he left to rummage in the bathroom.

Her throat felt sore every time she swallowed. Just moments ago, she was screaming, she must have been, and it doesn’t occur to her for how long, but oh, that _stings_ ─ She touched the left of her cheek tentatively, and winced before her hand brought to view… blood? Oh god there was blood.

Right then, Leo came back into the room, first aid kit in tow, and it wasn’t until then that she was able to fixate on something other than her hand.

“Y-you did it again. You─” she couldn’t get the words out of her mouth properly. He shushes her again, 

“I know, baby, I know,” cupping her cheek with one hand, disinfectant gingerly dabbing the side of her face with the other. 

“But s-still, you didn't─”

“Yes, and I’m _sorry_ ,” his eyes held hers, looking somewhat apologetic.

He threw away the soiled cotton ball and grabbed another. Curious, she followed his movements with her eyes, and she realized, littered on her shoulders, breast, abdomen, and thighs were even more cuts, though not quite as deep as the one on her face.

_This can’t be. No, no, nonono._

“Look at the new boundary we were able to push through just now though”

_All that fading and healing,_

"And besides, you came multiple times.”

_brought back to square one._

He was beaming at her with so much pride.

 

 

-

Her body was in terrible pain, which seemed to be happening more often than being satisfyingly used and sore. She had missed that feeling, craved it, but she didn’t know how to give up her immense desire.

When Leo put his hands on her neck and squeezed a little, euphoria surged through her at his release. When he bound her arms and legs, she felt owned from the ropes that bit her skin. Losing control, being helpless, and restrained; she revelled in it all. The problem was, she kept getting confused about when enough was enough.

She wanted him marked on her body, even had his patterns and words tattooed on large parchments of her skin, but this─ this she wasn’t so sure anymore. All her thoughts and wants were somehow becoming molded into his, and she didn’t know how, or when that began and ended.

Leo finished cleaning and bandaging up her wounds, and placed the kit off to the bedside table before fitting her to him. He gave her a quick peck then, eyes smiling at her after he did so. In looking into his eyes, she relaxed, smiled back, and cuddled closer to his chest to breathe in his scent.

It _is_ normal for human beings to have small slip ups and honest mistakes. Leo is no exception to that. She can’t expect him to know when to stop; to know when she was uncomfortable. He isn’t perfect.

He held her tight,  
and she sighed.

This is where she belongs, she thought; small in his arms, secure, comforted,  
─and guilty. Guilty for thinking such thoughts about the man she loves.

_You’re wrong. He probably didn’t hear you. You must’ve said it too softly for his ears._

_You had orgasms. You obviously enjoyed yourself._

Leo gave her what she couldn’t find elsewhere. He fed her addiction, and she thinks she might be enabling his in the process─ but no, it was evident in the way he pampered her. He was always so good in making her feel safe afterwards. He loved her, cared about her, wanted to help make herself better, that’s what this was.

“I just want to take care of you.  
You know that, right?”

She nods,  
and he held her tighter.

 

 

-

She wouldn’t trade his aftercare for anything. He felt so close, vulnerable like her: eyes soft, and gentle, warm. It must’ve meant she was important to him, vital; but there are other voices in the back of her mind, relentless, trying to scare her away from him, sway her with their lies.

And she doesn’t know how, but sometimes, they were right. Sometimes, it does get violent.

“Please,” they begged.

“He said he wouldn’t, but he did, just like last time.”

“Please.. get out.”

”..P-please.“

Tears were gathering in her eyes. Though there are times when she knew this was fine, normal even, she can’t deny the uneasiness feathering across her chest. It never completely went away, always coming back, breaking the magic between him and her.  

She knew this was _fine_ , and yet, she did scream earlier, like she had done many times before. Words bonded with trust coming out of her mouth, weakly the first time, then urgently, loudly, _ripping_ out of her lungs so many times after that. Her body language pleading signs of _enough_ , _stop_ , and  _no_ _more,_ but though seen, were only attended to later. Did he really not hear? Did he not remember?

Leo always encouraged her to hold out longer. "I believe in you,” he would say, even when her body knew,  
                                                                                                                                                                    no.. felt,                             
                                                                                                                                                                                    yes, felt like it was already too much.

There were times she passed out in the middle of scenes from unwanted pain, times where she was experiencing triggers, unable to speak, and badly felt the need to get out; but he told her he knew better, knew her body like the back of his palm, knew how much she could really take, and she didn’t want to disappoint. She wanted to make him proud. 

“We don’t want to be going backwards after all this progress, now do we?“

She continued to lay there with the echoes of her thoughts and his. Leo was so tender and considerate. He encouraged her profession, made sure she ate healthily and supported her journey towards her goals. It even extended from their home life. Her friends met him last week as the leaves were turning a subtle shade of orange. They saw what she fell in love with, and like her, grew fond of him. She would be lying to say he didn’t love her back; not in the usual way, she supposes..

Though she has been coming to terms that this was bad, it was fine because it was familiar. It always waited for her when she got back. It knew her, welcomed her, and with it, she had made a home. How could she get out if part of her wanted to stay? How could she leave when he was so kind?

His arms tightened around her and brought her back from her thoughts.

More apologies were being kissed onto her skin, threatening to drift her into sleep. She would wake and not remember this, in the way one forgave and forgot─ repeatedly.

 

 

-

Their thin curtains were cradling a breeze in, and the small potted plants were delighted, swaying softly with it. It was spring now, the sunlight gently peeking through. His hands mirroring it’s warm glow touched the left side of her face.

“Hey baby.”  

Without her eyes fully opening, her cheek lifted in response; but before it could form a smile, it crinkled. The initial numbness went away and she squinted from the stinging pain. Blood was dripping, and at the sight of it, she immediately remembered the look of adoration in his eyes as he was making careful incisions the night before.

“We did so well last night.” 

 

She didn’t know how she managed to be horrified every time she woke, but she did. There was always something new he insisted they had done _together_.

“There’s so much more room for us to improve, but i’m so proud of how far we’ve come,” he said as her faint scars reopened.

Leo was going to carefully scoop her up to sit and get her a water bottle followed by a painkiller from the bedside table like she predicted. Then perhaps he’ll go back to the kitchen to flip fresh banana pancakes, sip his coffee and hum a sweet melody in between. Amidst the alarming repetitiveness, still, a piece of her heart swelled at the thought that she didn’t disappoint.

As he waited for her to take the pill from him, she saw her reflection in the eyes that loved her, cherished her, and hurt her; asking herself,

 

would she let him hold her tighter,

or had the leaves turned red enough.

**Author's Note:**

> just fyi i firmly believe bdsm relationships, like any, can be healthy. people taking advantage of an individual's vulnerability is just one of the issues i know are prevalent in the community, which can also be present even within non-bdsm dynamics. please ask questions if you have any :D
> 
> my tumblr is angioponder as well~


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